Lakers Send Raptors to Extinction...Or Beat Them in NBA Game

Photo Courtesy of (AP Photo/Kevork Djansezian)

TJ Ford and the rest of his dino-buds tried to make it a game against Kobe, LO, PAU and the guys, but in the end, well, they lost. Most interestingly, Coby Karl seemed to jump start the team a little with his rare first half appearance, gettting a block shot and a three pointer. In the end, the Lakers looked a tad better than last game, but they will need to pick up the play on this upcoming road trip, if they hope to stay atop the west.

Billys Balls Rain Ridiculous Shots

I came across this video a while back and have been battling with a friend of mine (fellow neckbeard contributor) on whether or not it is real or not. I say that it is not only real, but these guys deserve a slot on network tv, battling against other teams every week for the The World Beer Pong Championship. These guys are as skilled with those balls than any basketball player is with a basketball. And way more creative. Judge for yourselves.

Jack Haley is Harder to Find than Waldo and Carmen San Diego Combined

I don't know what it means about his ability as a basketball analyst, but it took me about 30 games to notice that after years of sucking up to Kobe and reporting imaginary trades, Jack Haley was missing from the Laker pre and post game show. I must admit, when I finally did realize Jack and his Comet were missing I got a little sad, I mean, how often can you say that your local basketball analyst was not only nicknamed "the human victory cigar" for his crucial role on the Chicago bulls as a garbage time specialist, but is also considered the only man that Dennis Rodman really trusts. Ever since that fateful night when I realized Billy Mac's sidekick was African-American and therefore couldn't possibly be Jack, I have wondered why he was gone and what he was doing instead. Of course, due to his immense popularity world-wide, hundreds of rumors about J-Hal have been flying around the Internet. Unfortunately, I could only find two of them, Google must not have been working or something. It was reported that Jack doesn't know why he was let go, and it was also reported that he was fired after an afternoon tea misunderstanding.

These stories though, don't shed the type of light on the story that I need to feel comfortable. So I came up with some theories of my own. Based on his unabashed love for Kobe, it occurred to me that maybe Kobe lost interest in Jack, and Jack, so hurt by Kobe's refusal to grant him pregame interviews during which Jack could complement Kobe's suit, sunglasses, hairdo, tattoos, jewelery and house keys, that Jack left Lakers Live and has spent the last few months eating Digiornos and watching replays of The 81 Game. Plausible as that theory is, there is one inherent problem, Kobe is extremely proud of his house keys and could never stay mad at someone who gave him dap for his exquisite taste in key metal. So that brought me to another, even more likely theory.

Jack, known as Dennis Rodman's Babysitter in his days with the bulls, could have been in some sort of "Dennis Rodman Incident", after which some Sacramento King's dancers type photos surfaced around FSN headquarters leading to Jack being quietly "let go" and leading Jack to a life of getting Kobe's voicemail and reliving that one time he scored a basket.

As for what actually happened to Jack, we may never know, but what we do know is that Carlos Boozer still has not been traded to the Lakers...Jack you are missed.

Open Letter to Bill Simmons

Dear Bill,

I recently read in your column preview that you do not think Kobe is the MVP. Now I stopped reading your stuff about two years ago because I found your ideas tiresome and without merit. Today, however, I felt compelled to see your reasoning as to why Kobe did not deserve MVP.

You claim that the main difference between LeBron and Kobe is that LeBron doesn't have Phil Jackson, a great bench, or a boarderline All-Star. While this is all true, you fail to mention the difference in records. The Lakers are currently 43-18 while the Cavs are only 34-26. This doesn't even factor in that the Lakers play 2/3rds of their games against western conference teams while the Cavs only play 1/3rd against the far superior conference. Now if the Cavs had the same record with a worse team, you would have a valid point. They, however, are not even close.

You go on to say that if Kobe and LeBron switched teams, that LeBron would be doing just as well while Kobe would be, "gritting his way through every Cavs game on cruise control and leaking fake trade rumors through his agent." Let's assume that LeBron would do just as well (not a given by any means). To claim that Kobe would go through every game on cruise control is just plain irresponsible and without merit. For all of Kobe faults, the one thing he will do is play hard every night. Do you really think that one of the most competitive players of all time would mail it in? Even if he wanted to, the first time some mediocre player like Mike James scored on him, his pride would kick in and he would make sure it never happened again. Cruise control more accurately describes LeBron James on defense. Let's also not forget that Kobe carried a team that started Smush Parker and Kwame Brown to the playoffs twice. After two years of starting Smush, Kwame, Luke Walton, and Lamar Odom around him, Kobe had every right to want to mail it in, and yet he never did.

Your third and final point is that Kobe moped around through the first 15 games. The Lakers started with the hardest schedule of any team. They were still 8-7 in this stretch losing to Houston, New Orleans, Boston, and San Antonio. They also managed to beat Phoenix, Utah, and Detroit. What were Kobe's numbers during this stretch? 27ppg, 6rpg, 5 apg, 47% fgs, 90% fts, hardly mailing it in.

There is nothing wrong with not liking Kobe or loving LeBron, but please don't let it cloud your basketball judgment. Next time you choose your MVP be more responsible with your claims. You are now writing for a credible website, not your casual blog.

-Michael, Santa Monica